Sick and tired of the Photoshop

I’m sick and tired of the Photoshop, as it goes in the song…

No, really. I’m sick and tired of editing and liquefying bodies. Chasing perfection that doesn’t really exist. Preaching body positivity, when 90% of my fine art nude portfolio contains bodies and skin additionally manipulated in post-production.

I’m tired of it. Of faking it. Of pretending it not that bad. Or excusing my behaviour with “everyone else does it”. We are not perfect, our bodies are not perfect. Never were, never will be. They are perfectly imperfect , unique, and that’s the beauty of it. How our bodies look has to do with our genes and lifestyle, not of the technical abilities of media professionals.

I’ve been thinking A LOT on the subject for the past several days. What is my work about and how do I present it? Why do I keep retouching bodies, including mine, when I know how harmful this could be to the self-esteem and self-acceptance of the individual. Especially to women.

We’re living in a world where beauty has turned into a plastic-perfect-machine-reproduction result, making us feel not good enough in every aspect of our life. Aren’t we created as we were on purpose? Aren’t we different on purpose? Don’t we have an individual work to do here that is more important than the size of our dress and the brand of our anti-aging cream?

I know I’m not alone in this. I’m sure you have thoughts like this too. And I’m sure part of you thinks your body is not suitable enough for a fine art photo session. Part of you still thinks all those public imagery and celebrity reels are the truth of what human bodies ‘must’ look like. I know, because I’m in that train of thoughts too.

I’ve been a photographer and retoucher for 16 years now, with a close specialisation in artistic nude photography for the past 14. Yet this is the first time where I’m really close to just flip the table and shout: “Basta ya!!”

I have women all around me - family, friends, their children, online followers I don’t even know in person. What is my message? Why do I say to all those unique, beautiful women: “My darling, you’re one of a kind, but let me liquify your waist so you can look like the man-made social standard.” No, this is a hypocrisy and I better stop pretending I’m doing all of us a favour.

It’s time to turn the mirror toward me again. What is the relation I have with my body? What have I builded for the past 34 years, through the whole variety of experience and all the opportunities to learn, accept and get to know myself better. I know how to deliver a professional product, based on that man-made beauty standard, but can I fully reveal my flaws and encourage other women like myself to really love themselves for who they are the way they are? Haven’t we had enough of self hatred and comparison? Isn’t life something to be enjoyed rather than feared we won’t pass through the beauty control?

I know the ego game is never ending, but are we really victims of it or it’s just the easier choice? Can we learn to enjoy and be happy in our everchanging, ageing, marked by life and experiences but super intelligent body?

Do you listen to your body?

Do you listen in the silence of your own? Are you ever in enough silence to hear? And if you do hear, do you follow up or ignore?

The body.. One of my main subjects in my work and in my own personal life. All the beauty I see and intent to capture, mixed with all the challenges I’ve faced with and within my own. A diary I will probably write until the end.

Our magnificent, intelligent bodies are guiding us, telling us what we need to know in every moment. Unfortunately, we don’t always listen. Rather the contrary - we try to numb the feelings, so we can escape either responsibility or the acknowledgement that we need to make a change of some sort. Here is one example - the anxiety.

I didn’t know when it appeared in my life, but I do know now I’ve tried many times to numb the fearful feeling through physical or emotional substances. To only end up hurting myself more. Why do I this? - I asked myself so many times. I’m yet not sure, all I know is that photography has helped me many times up to this day.

In creation we loose idea about time, space and fear. Preset moment eliminates anxiety, it focuses your mind, giving you the space and security of the present. We’re often so lost in the past of in the future, that we forget to pay attention to the only moment we actually have - the now. I know you’ve heard this before, but do you practice it?

Here is me now, writing this with an anxious heart. My body is not calm, my mind is afraid. All I know is I’m not alone, maybe you’re accompanying me now or can relate to it. Why don’t we listen more? Why don’t we believe in our own body intelligence and guidance to show us what to do, who to love, what to trust and where to go? We tent to trust in others that have no idea how we feel or what we dream about.

Don’t let the fear stops you, don’t let it freeze you. Listen to your body, it knows you better than you think. Trust it, as it’s the only body that will never betray you, the only one that will be there for you always. The one that holds the guidance and support you need to go through life.

Why Nudes?

if you know me or my work for some time or if you just landed on my blog/website, after having a quick look it will be impossible to hide from you that I’m very much obsessed (in the best way possible) of the nude body.

This came more clearly to me when challenged to complete my first ever photography assignment that I was given, I chose exactly the forms of a nude body. It was a sequence of close-ups, shot in daylight in my small student bedroom, the first place I accommodated when I arrived in England. Completing the project was weird in a way, as untill then I had never done such sitting, and somehow very fulfilling with a sense of “this feels right to me”.

Here is a test sheet of my first assignment.

Looking in retrospection now, it’s funny how this genre has always been inside me. The drive is too strong - it pulls me and I can’t ignore it. So, the only way to move forward is to execute the calling or live with regret. (The second one can be really hurtful.) I think this comes from two things. Firstly, my upbringing - my parents were very open and ok with nudity. In fact, my crafty dad made this collage wall, where he mixed a picture wallpaper of a palm beach with a sexy lady with an erotic bodysuit and installed it in our living room (this was way before the Internet or Photoshop). I understand this must of shocked you just now and you might question the parenting I was given but TRUST me, my parents gave me and my brother everything we needed, our childhood was good and the house was full of laughter. Secondly, the fact that I’m from the seaside. When you live in a country with hot summers and access to a sea/ocean/river, undressing and enjoying the sun gently kissing your skin is a normal ritual during those hot days. No, it is not like on a holiday. Being barely clothed for over half of the year every year is not like a 10-day trip.

So, back to the question, Why photographing the Nude?

Prey. Lover’s Diary, 2020

Like every other creature on this planet, we are born in a certain way. Our bodies are our physical form. We don’t have fur as some other mammals do, instead, we have bare skin with some hairy sections. This is our initial outfit. Covering this body on the other side is part of weather necessities and the fashion evolution throughout history. Somehow, our predecessor men decided women should fit in certain “standards” regarding nudity and body appearance. And here I go nuts on the subject. I’m so, so against the “male” way we’ve been operating for centuries that I can come across a bit violent sometimes. I know, this is what it was at that time, and now it is different, but still, I find it unfair. On the other side, I’m against the pornographic appearance of women, but this is a subject for another post.

The female nude is my favorite object to photograph, because of its unique beauty and strength. I like the male form and the combination between the two, but the femininity of the female humans is way more inspirational to me. The shapes, the forms, and the gentleness are one of a kind. And then that extension of bringing life to Earth and the motherhood that follows just completes the picture. I believe every woman should appreciate her body, as it is one of a kind indeed, and must embrace her beauty daily. There is too much comparison and thrive for perfection, emerged from our ego side and society. There’s no need for that. I know it's not easy to just do it as we’ve been trained to do the opposite for decades, but it is possible and achievable. Maybe even easier than you might think. I have personally struggled with body image and acceptance from an early age throughout my whole life, and in fact, still, catch myself copying the old pattern, but I decided to consciously do my best to live in balance as much as I can. This is also why I like photographing women - to show them that they are incredible the way they actually are here and now, that the magazine covers means nothing if the beauty isn’t felt from the inside, and that it is possible to feel comfortable in their own skin, despite background or painful past.

So, women - embrace your beauty! Men - compliment it daily! Don’t hide behind clothes or torture yourself, instead appreciate the magnificent “machinery'“ your soul is living in! You’re worth it and you deserve being seen!

A Festive Self

Some time ago during a Christmas season I’ve started asking myself about the meaning of Family. I re-analyse all the family examples I know and all the information I’ve collected. From past to present, painting out to myself a detailed picture of the best family description I can give. I’m amazed how somewhere along the way family relationships can drift away from love and carrying. And yet how strongly connected to our truth we still remain.

There is a saying in Bulgaria - “The blood doesn’t become water”, which stands for the importance and connection between family members. In spiritual world is known that souls come to Earth in groups, in which their title changes, but the group remains together in every life. Which means our family is our “soul tribe” and we’ll also be together in the next life. So the issues we have with a family member is something that came from the past and if not sorted out, will continue to come back until it’s resolved. Or better - forgiven! A burden let go into the nothingness, causes the weightless feeling of love. What a relieve! And yet, how stubborn we could remain, letting the ego runs the show?

What a game life is!

This Christmas I had more time for myself than usual. Caught in thoughts I created my kind of festive season 2019. Lights down low, favourite tracks on. Let’s go…

I hope you’re having a wonderful time wherever you are this year, hope you’re joyful and merry! I hope you received the presents you most looked forward to and that you gifted yourself something meaningful too. If this wasn’t the best Christmas for you, don’t forget “this will too shall pass”.

Merry Christmas and A Happy New Decade Everyone!

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